


Letting It Be

by OnlyOneWoman



Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Angst, Belize - Freeform, Closeted Character, Derdrian, Emotions, Falling In Love, First Time, Fluff, Gay Sex, Homophobia, Idiots in Love, Insecurity, Kissing, M/M, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 21:27:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11472015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyOneWoman/pseuds/OnlyOneWoman
Summary: Well, apparantly I couldn't let my new angsty darlings be even for a day, so here's a little Belize fic with a very confused Deran who can't understand why his friend Adrian has to make him FEEL stuff.Seems like I've fallen pretty hard for this unhealthy duo... <3





	Letting It Be

The sun glitters on the waves and one of the girls – he can’t remember her name – laughs as her friend falls off the surfing board into the water. It’s a perfect day, bright and windy and Deran once again congratulates himself for leaving home. Belize is a little paradise on Earth, but maybe any place with high enough waves would be, as long as Smurf isn’t there.  
  
Everything she touches become somehow tainted, even when it’s not intentional. Anything Deran considers his own, will eventually fall under her shadow if he’s not careful. Friends, jobs, anything he wants for himself, just a sliver of privacy no matter how small, sooner or later gets some of her colour on it and when that happens, it rots.  
  
The waves are high and the glittering blue washes Deran’s thoughts away as he rides it and the girl who’s  up on her board again, shouts something at him he doesn’t hear over the sound of the waves. He knows the type, the kind of looks she gives and he guesses he should feel flattered or something – Craig certainly would – because she’s just _that_ type of girl, but Deran only gets irritated. He should be interested but isn’t and if he doesn’t come around and fuck some chick soon, his friends out here will get suspicious.  
  
”Giving up already?”  
  
Bright smile. Big, dark eyes. The wetsuit moldering onto the body like a second skin. Deran swallows, pretends he’s indifferent and throws a smile he hopes is neutral before getting up on the board. Adrian is a wet dream coming to life and Deran doesn’t trust himself around him. More than once has he lost words, something he never does, in his company just because of a smile, a look.  
  
”Nah, just gonna rest a little. Wanna grab a beer?”  
”Too early for me. Later maybe?”  
”Maybe.”  
  
He tries to sound neutral. Like it doesn’t matter, like Adrian doesn’t matter and for someone as skilled a liar as Deran, that particular lie sounds very hollow, making him wonder if Adrian sees through it. Deran’s not gay, the fuck he is not even bi, just easily bored and risks, challenges, make him feel alive. Also, Adrian doesn’t _feel_ gay to him and in Deran’s fucked up mind, that makes whatever weird shit he feels when Adrian smiles at him, looks at him like he really _likes_ what he sees, talks to him and makes him laugh from his dry, sarcastic humour that, unlike Deran’s, doesn’t contain underlying despise, hate or tension. In his weakest moments, Deran wishes Adrian was a chick or just an ugly asshole. Both things would solve this problem.  
  
”I’m getting up now. See you.”  
  
He says it like he’s indifferent. Like he’s not actually meaning _I want you to come with me, don’t care what we’re doing, just come with me and we can have a beer, barbeque, go for a drive somewhere, anywhere where it’s just us._ Like he doesn’t feel like he’s just willingly depriving himself of something he wants more than the wind, the sun and crashing waves. Adrian just nods, eyes peering from the sharp sun glitter.  
  
”Later then.”  
  
Deran makes it to the beach, leaves the water, get changed and resists the temptation to look back, to wave and steal one more glimpse at the man riding the waves. The man he pretends he’s not been thinking about almost non-stop since they met. A simple beach party some weeks ago back home when Deran had already decided to leave Oceanside, Smurf and his brothers, just not where to go. Adrian, who’d recently moved to Oceanside and put up his shop, was introduced to him and soon they were talking surfing like they’d known each other forever. Then Adrian mentioned he was going to Belize for a while and Deran didn’t really ask to come with him, he just did because new waves always tempt him and it was a great opportunity to get away from Smurf without making it feel like the escape it actually was. And because Adrian seemed genuinly happy about it.  
  
The ride back home to the boring flat he’s hiring, is spent thinking of Adrian. Deran has never met a guy like him before and he tries to compare him to girls he’s been with, trying to place attributes onto him belonging to them to make more sense of it. Maybe Deran just has a thing for brunettes with freckles and dark blue eyes. For dry humour and warm smiles. For non-existing tits? Maybe Deran is so deep inside the coset he’s about to find fucking Narnia. He peels his clothes off and hits the shower, trying to wash all thoughts away with the sea salt and sand, but he’s already hard and the only face, mouth, hands and skin he can think of, are Adrian’s.  
  
He jerks off to the image of his own hand replaced by Adrian’s mouth, how he’s grabbing the short hair, wet from the sea while two large hands, warm and strong, squeezes his hipbones, digging fingernails into his buttocks. He thinks about pushing the man down on all four and fuck him, taking him hard and fast and the hell Deran’s gay or bi, it’s just _Adrian_ and this is the first time Deran has felt anything like this for anyone. It will past. When he comes, the image hasn’t faded and behind closed eyelids, there are still freckles and sunglitter, blue waves and eyes.  
  
They do catch up later by the usual bar with cheap beer and awful food. Adrian wears tight jeans and a white tanktop, fitting around him like a second skin and Deran _really_ needs to get laid soon before he gets blue balls but the surroundings, this secluded place far from anyone connected to his family, where the Cody name doesn’t mean anything, sort of makes it much more difficult to put up an act and hit on chicks.  
  
”Hello? Where are you?”  
  
Deran looks up from his beer, realising he’s been lost in thoughts and sees the warm smile in front of him. He can feel himself blushing and he twitches his head a little, like he always does when he’s nervous and shrugs.  
  
”Just tired.”  
  
It’s not an answer and suddenly Deran is worried Adrian will find him boring. Stupid. Realising he has the upper hand because Deran has never been so lost around anyone ever before and it’s scary as hell. He can’t stand being with Adrian but _not_ being with him is worse, so much worse and he has to get this shit out of his head before he does something really stupid.  
  
”Wanna come over to my place? Watch some movies or something?”  
  
He should say no, should say he got plans, things to do and people to meet but instead Deran just nods.  They’re friends, after all, and there’s nothing suspicious in spending the night on Adrian’s couch.  
  
”Sure.”  
  
They don’t even finish their beers, just leave the bar and head to Adrian’s apartment. Deran’s been there only once before, when they were both dead drunk and Deran slept on the couch and was served disgusting fucking coffee in the morning. Adrian locks the door behind them and goes to the kitchen.  
  
”I need something to eat. How about you? I’ve got eggs and… salt. Oh, and cheap ass awful coffee.”  
  
Deran smiles.  
  
”Cheap ass awful coffee sounds good.”  
  
_Anything with you sounds good._  
  
Adrian makes scrambled eggs served on dismatching plates and the coffee tastes, just as promised, very cheap. The telly is on but they’re not really watching, at least Deran isn’t. Instead his eyes wander off to the freckled arms next to him, the hand holding the coffee mug and the short, brown hair in the neck. Deran is used to take what he wants when it’s not given to him. He’s a thief, a burgler, a fucking thug and professional asshole but Adrian is not something to just take. Deran is a lot of things, but even he has his limits. Just the thought of Adrian getting hurt by anyone at all, makes his fists clench.  
  
The night is warm, as always, and usually Deran would be heading to a party somewhere by now, drunk and high and not thinking about Adrian at all. He shouldn’t be here, feeling the scent of Adrian’s au de cologne mixed with salt water and sun, coffee and beer. He scratches his head.  
  
”I… I should go.”  
”Stay.”  
  
Adrian doesn’t look at him, the Adam’s apple on his throat moves as he swallows.  
  
”I want you to stay.”  
  
The voice is calm but there’s a tension underneath it, a plead, a fear Deran can’t ignore, can’t pretend not hearing. A fragility people like him usually doesn’t meet, because people like Deran can’t handle fragile things without destroying them. Deran needs to leave, to get away from Adrian, but he’s helpless to that calm, gentle plead. _I’m not good for you_ , he wants to say, should say. _You deserve someone who wont make you stop smiling, because I would. Eventually._  
  
”You want to stay?”  
  
Adrian is brave and Deran hates how indifferent he sounds when he answers.  
  
”Sure.”  
  
Unconcearned, indifferent. He’s making the smile disappear from Adrian’s eyes and Deran can’t stand that, can’t stand being the cause of it and he forces himself to look at that slightly tanned, freckled face with the questioning eyes and Deran smiles, soft, because there’s nothing he’d like more than staying here, alone with Adrian and forgetting about everything and everyone else. His mouth feels dry.  
  
”I’d like that. Really.”  
  
_Because? Because I want to watch shitty movies and have bad coffee with you? Because I’m alone, because if I wasn’t here I’d feel lost and alone in any other company? Because for the first time ever, I have something Smurf has nothing to do with? Because I don’t know why you’re making me feel like this or why I’d rather have you here, with me feeling all tense and weird, instead of just having a good time down the beach like everyone else. And I hate being the reason why you stop smiling._  
  
Deran feels like he’s loosing his mind, this tension between them shouldn’t be there, this should be simple and not make him twitch and turn inside. Adrian smiles and Deran can breathe again. He’s not destroyed this. Not yet. There’s still time before all this, whatever it is, must end, and the thought of not having Adrian with him anymore, to think of someone else getting what Deran wants, what he can’t understand wanting, what he fucking doesn’t want to want at all, is making him cold despite the hot, moisty evening.  
  
”You alright, Deran?”  
  
_No. No, I’m about as far from alright as I can be without guns, knives, cops or Smurf involved._  
  
”Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I?”  
  
Challenging, accusing. Deran hates the fact that he seems unable to sound nice. Adrian deserves nice things. Deran rubs a hand over his face.  
  
”It’s too fucking hot in here!”  
”Wanna get down to the beach?”  
”Not really.”  
  
_Definately not. I don’t want to be there, among other people, pretending I’m not thinking about you. Can’t fucking focus when you’re around anymore. Why can’t you just be a chick?_  
  
”Deran?”  
”What?”  
”Please don’t punch me now.”  
”Why wou…”  
  
Hands. Quick, soft and surprisingly strong hands, turning his head and then there is dry, warm lips on Deran’s mouth, he opens up like he has no choise and feels the taste of Adrian, a mix of coffee, toothpaste and something else that’s just Adrian because Deran doesn’t reckognize it. Adrian breaks the kiss slowly and Deran can see how his chest is heaving, how much heat and fear those blue eyes radiates.  
  
The room is silent, every little breath, every shiver from the leaves on the trees outside the opened window can be heard and Deran swears his own pulse echos through the apartment.  
  
”Did I just fuck this up now?”  
  
Adrian’s voice is low and filled with that worry Deran can’t stand hearing or seeing from him, because that would mean he’s the reason Adrian is unhappy and that can’t happen.  
  
”Look, I’m sorry, man… I thought you may have… I don’t know, I guess I was wrong… Shit…”  
  
So much fear that shouldn’t be there and Deran stops thinking, stops worrying about everything else but the heartbreaking voice and he moves forward, takes Adrian’s face between his hands and seals their mouths together. It’s hard and messy, almost desperate and when they break to get air, Deran looks at him, eyes wild and confused.  
  
”I… I’m no fucking fag, man.”  
”Never said you were.”  
  
Deran isn’t moving, isn’t leaving, doesn’t let go of him but instead leans their foreheads, their nosetips together, breathing, shivering and the tension is so thick it threatens to choke him, choke them both and then, Adrian kisses him again. It’s slow, searching, asking for permission and Deran wont have it, can’t take anymore of this insecurity, so he deepens the kiss, makes it hard, demanding and rough, wiping out this fucking tip-toeing like waves smooth out footprints in the sand.  
  
He’s only barely aware of how Adrian drags him up from the couch, how they stumble into the small bedroom and the unmade bed, dropping clothes after them and then Adrian pushes him down on the mattress, straddling him and starts kissing him and Deran is no fucking fag but Adrian is an amazing kisser and Deran is so hard he aches. He searches for Adrian’s cock, trying to ignore how good it feels just touching it, that it’s hard, smooth and fucking perfect. He’s never done anything like this before but it comes natural and he takes them both in one hand, stroking fast and Adrian moans, pants and buries his head in the crook of Deran’s neck, showing no shame or hesistance what so ever.  
  
”Wanna fuck? You wanna fuck _me_ , Deran?”  
  
Deran’s response is just a grunt, but all the encouragement Adrian needs. He swallows.  
  
”Have you ever…?”  
”Fuck no!”  
”Jesus… I meant with a chick. You ever went backdoor on a chick?”  
  
Deran just nods, face flushed and Adrian relaxes. He reaches over to his nightstand and finds lube and rubbers, hands them over and then Deran flips Adrian onto all four, gets the condome and pours some lube on his cock and Adrian shouts as he pushes too hard.  
  
”Fucks sake, man, take it easy! I wanna be able to stand tomorrow. Use fucking fingers first.”  
”Sorry…”  
  
The voice is strained but there’s no hesitation in Deran’s moves. He knows what he’s doing and Adrian soon fucks himself on the slick fingers, long enough for Deran to let out a frustrated breath.  
  
”Are we getting on with this or what?”  
  
He doesn’t want to admit how sexy it is, how much it turns him on just fingering, just feeling Adrian around his fucking fingers like this and he wants to get inside him before his mind destroys this. Adrian removes his fingers.  
  
”Just go easy this time. And use more lube.”  
  
Deran doesn’t remember it being this difficult earlier, or maybe he’s just forgotten because he’s not gone anal with a chick in a very long time. He adds more lube, places the tip of his cock on the crack of Adrian’s ass, just sliding it up and down a couple of times and then he tries again, slower because he’s not a fag but that doesn’t mean he wants to hurt Adrian.  
  
The tight, slick warmth is like a fucking vice around him and he has to take a moment, waiting for Adrian to relax a little and he holds a hand on his shoulder, closing his eyes because this is a fucking _man_ and Deran doesn’t want to start thinking again and ruin this.  
  
”Go on.”  
  
He’s barely noticed how the muscles inside Adrian has loosened and let him slide all the way in, burying him to the hilt and it’s fucking amazing, feels so good and he moves carefully at first not to hurt the man but then he hears the moans, the unabashed sounds everytime he hits deep and Deran increases the pace, fucking him faster, more erratic as he’s coming closer.  
  
Adrian is working his own cock now, the sound of it making Deran impossibly harder and Adrian comes with a half-choked shout, before Deran’s grip around his hips becomes almost painful and the thrusts  inside him gets harder, then stops a moment before he slams inside him really hard with a guttural sound and then another, slower, before he stops and leans his head on Adrian’s back, breathing heavily.  
  
They’re not talking and Deran slips out from him, heading to the bathroom to get rid of the condom and wash up a little. When he comes back, Adrian lies still, looking peaceful and Deran realises he’s been worried that he’d disappoint him, that it’s a relief seeing him relaxed. Deran gets back into bed in a way he never does with chicks and doesn’t really know why he does now, leaning on his elbow, facing the man with the blue eyes and all the sweet freckles Deran shouldn’t even notice but he’s never been in love before and all the should:s and shouldn’t:s are erased from his mind, leaving room for freckles, smiles, skin under his nails and the musky scent of another man all over his body.  
  
Adrian smiles.  
  
”I’m exhausted.”  
  
Deran snorts.  
  
”I did all the fucking work!”  
  
Adrian grins, a cheeky grin that isn’t coloured by fear and Deran can’t help but smiling too, letting his fingers brush over the freckled arm, the flushed cheek. He still can’t understand why he did this, why he wants Adrian when he’s not even gay and more strange than that, why does _Adrian_ want _him_? There must be hundreds of fags out there, who’d be nicer, better for Adrian than this and if Deran wasn’t such a selfish ass, he’d get up and leave.  
  
But just as he decides he has to stop being selfish, Adrian smiles, twirls one of Deran’s locks around his finger and the wave of selfhate that threatens to wash over Deran, Adrian and all this, calms down to nothing but a ripple, just a shiver on the surface and Deran searches for Adrian’s hand, his skin, his mouth again. And the blue eyes, seeing something in him, something Deran didn’t know he had, something good, perhaps even soft and decent that Smurf never found and couldn’t destroy. And maybe, if he’s an ass and decides not to leave, Adrian could have that small spot of goodness inside him. The only thing Deran could give him, that’s his to give.  
  
Adrian curls himself like a cat, sleepish now as the tension has left him and Deran pulls him close, suddenly feeling he’s exhausted too. They don’t speak and soon Deran can feel the soft sounds of sleep from the man in his arms. Then he buries his nose in the dark hair, lets go of all the why:s, what if:s and what the fuck:s and allows himself to just let things _be_.


End file.
